What is Free Speech? Ask the Manners Doctor

Dear Manners Doctor,

What should I do about people who always make negative comments on my Facebook page? I like to keep my page light and fun. But no matter what I post, there is one guy who has to say “You're so gullible. This was photoshopped.”  (Even if I already said it was photoshopped in my intro.) Or “No cat could actually do that.” Or "Why do you think cats can't spell? Do you know any cats who can write?"

He’s especially harsh when I post fun articles about science and space exploration.

What he says is usually obvious, but it’s negative and unpleasant.

He doesn’t get that the point of these posts and memes is humor and food for the imagination, not realism.

I’ve had a number of people complain about this guy. I’ve asked him to lighten up, but he just blabbers about “free speech.” Am I violating his rights? What’s the polite way to deal with him?

Keeping it Light

Dear Keeping it Light,

The Manners Doctor would like to remind people that “free speech” refers to speech in a public place. The First Amendment to the US Constitution gives us the right to express our views in a public place and not go to jail for them.

It does not, however give people the right to say whatever they want in a private space. It also doesn’t say there will be no consequences to “free” speech.  

If you walk into your Mother-in-Law’s house and call her a fat pig, she has every right to tell you to get out and never darken her door again. And you may find that your spouse doesn’t want much to do with you either.

The government can’t send you to jail for calling your Mother-in-Law a fat pig, but you will suffer some

Not your Mother-in-Law

painful consequences.

As to your Captain Obvious/ Debby Downer Facebook visitor, you should have unfriended and blocked him some time ago. He has no "rights" to troll your page. If a visitor is annoying your friends and diminishing your brand, then it’s your job to remove him. Facebook is a private company and your page is yours. Nobody has the right to change the tone of your page but you. And of course, Mr. Zuckerberg.

The polite way to deal with trollish behavior is block and unfriend. Don’t threaten or interact with him in any way. Interacting with a troll always leads to dark places.

Very Truly Yours,

The Manners Doctor

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How to Deal with a Garden-Variety Social Media Pest: Ask the Manners Doctor

The Manners Doctor, aka Camilla Randall, author of "Good Manners for Bad Times" and "Rx for the Modern Wedding", has agreed to visit this blog once a month to answer some of our questions about contemporary online etiquette.

Dear Manners Doctor,

I’m on social media because I use it to promote my gardening blog. But I'm thinking of deleting my accounts because a weird person has been attacking me with nasty accusations that have no basis in fact. 

Three or four times a day he’ll send me a Tweet saying. “You are so wrong about Gerbera daisies!”  and “Why do you hate Gerbera daisies?” and “What did Gerbera daisies ever do to you? Time to apologize, Karen!”

I tweeted back at this person, who calls himself "CadDeVil" asking him politely to stop harassing me. Then he sent a barrage of Tweets calling me a "snowflake" for getting angry when someone "disagreed" with me.

But you can't "disagree" with something that was never was said, can you?

You're Next, Karen!

Unfortunately, now he's found my Facebook page and keeps posting pictures of dead Gerbera daisies, saying “You’re next, Karen!”

Here’s the thing: I’ve never written one word about Gerbera daisies, and my name’s not Karen.

I don’t particularly like Gerberas, but I have never said that on my blog. I’m mostly all about miniature roses, especially the new hardy climbers. I’ve gone through my archives twice looking for something I might have said about daisies that could trigger this person’s anger.

All I could find is something I wrote in 2017: “Shasta daisies do not like to have wet feet. Make sure you plant them in well-drained soil.”

Shasta Daisies do not like wet feet

Do you think anybody might find that offensive? Should I apologize? I feel terrible if I’ve offended this person, but I honestly can’t find any evidence that I've ever written a word about Gerbera daisies.

I want to prove to him that I haven’t done what he accuses me of, but I don't want to offend him further. I'm losing sleep over this! 

Should I delete my social media accounts?

Not Karen in Kansas

Dear Not Karen,

Should you apologize? By all means. The Manners Doctor believes that apologies are the lubricant that keeps civilization running. She believes an apology can be the solution to nearly everything.   

The person who apologizes has the power to alleviate the suffering of the person demanding it. So by all means accept that power.

A nice apology also makes an escape much easier when you need to make a quick call to law enforcement. 

But did you do anything wrong? Absolutely not! 

Why would you delete social media accounts you need for your business? You just need that handy button that says "block." 

First, it's possible you're dealing with a person with mental health challenges, and unless you are a medical professional, any further communication would be practicing medicine without a license. 

However, in all probability, your social media has simply been invaded by a garden-variety pest known as the Internet Troll. So the block button is even more valuable.The only rule for dealing with a troll is "Do Not Feed." 

The Manners Doctor herself often has to deal with this invasive species.

Unfortunately, the word “Manners” can trigger angry responses from people who have none.

A troll is fed by attention, so you must eliminate it, entirely.

Back when the Manners Doctor was in school—when the earth’s crust was still cooling—if a person wanted to make an aggressive, bullying, childish bid for attention, they would often lower their trousers and bend over to show off their derrieres to the desired audience. I believe they learned this from chimpanzees.

It was called “mooning.”

Trolls in simpler times.

However, in this era, the same sort of people get attention by claiming to be offended.

The Manners Doctor rather prefers mooning. It may be crude, rude, and unattractive, but it's not as dishonest. 

You have allowed yourself to be manipulated by the troll's unjust accusations. We all feel an instinctive need to defend ourselves against injustice, so an unjust accusation is a simple way to hook their prey. 

But be aware the accusations have nothing to do with you. They are simply the "trousers" that Mr. DeVil has lowered. 

The Doctor would be very surprised to learn that "CadDeVil" had been emotionally wounded by any Tweets about gardening.

Here’s what you do: Go to one of Mr. DeVil's tweets and click on the little downward facing arrow in the upper right corner. A menu will drop down. You can choose to block or mute this person’s Tweets, and unfollow him, of course.

Then you go to Facebook and unfriend and block him as well. Also adjust your privacy settings to block anybody from posting on your page without your permission. And I suggest you remove your email address from public view.

You might want to do a quick Google search of the miscreant's online name with the word "troll." This will probably tell you that you are far from the only victim of this particular pest. 

After that, simply put him/her out of your mind.

Or if a fleeting thought of CadDeVil should appear, imagine he's desperately showing you a chimpanzee-like "moon" and act accordingly.

Very Truly Yours,

The Manners Doctor.

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