What is Free Speech? Ask the Manners Doctor

Dear Manners Doctor,

What should I do about people who always make negative comments on my Facebook page? I like to keep my page light and fun. But no matter what I post, there is one guy who has to say “You're so gullible. This was photoshopped.”  (Even if I already said it was photoshopped in my intro.) Or “No cat could actually do that.” Or "Why do you think cats can't spell? Do you know any cats who can write?"

He’s especially harsh when I post fun articles about science and space exploration.

What he says is usually obvious, but it’s negative and unpleasant.

He doesn’t get that the point of these posts and memes is humor and food for the imagination, not realism.

I’ve had a number of people complain about this guy. I’ve asked him to lighten up, but he just blabbers about “free speech.” Am I violating his rights? What’s the polite way to deal with him?

Keeping it Light

Dear Keeping it Light,

The Manners Doctor would like to remind people that “free speech” refers to speech in a public place. The First Amendment to the US Constitution gives us the right to express our views in a public place and not go to jail for them.

It does not, however give people the right to say whatever they want in a private space. It also doesn’t say there will be no consequences to “free” speech.  

If you walk into your Mother-in-Law’s house and call her a fat pig, she has every right to tell you to get out and never darken her door again. And you may find that your spouse doesn’t want much to do with you either.

The government can’t send you to jail for calling your Mother-in-Law a fat pig, but you will suffer some

Not your Mother-in-Law

painful consequences.

As to your Captain Obvious/ Debby Downer Facebook visitor, you should have unfriended and blocked him some time ago. He has no "rights" to troll your page. If a visitor is annoying your friends and diminishing your brand, then it’s your job to remove him. Facebook is a private company and your page is yours. Nobody has the right to change the tone of your page but you. And of course, Mr. Zuckerberg.

The polite way to deal with trollish behavior is block and unfriend. Don’t threaten or interact with him in any way. Interacting with a troll always leads to dark places.

Very Truly Yours,

The Manners Doctor

BOOK OF THE MONTH

THE FIRST THREE CAMILLA RANDALL MYSTERIES

Some escapist comedies for pandemic-ing

Snarky, delicious fun! The Camilla Randall mysteries are a laugh-out-loud mashup of romantic comedy, crime fiction, and satire: Dorothy Parker meets Dorothy L. Sayers. Perennially down-and-out socialite Camilla Randall is a magnet for murder, mayhem and Mr. Wrong, but she always solves the mystery in her quirky, but oh-so-polite way. Usually with more than a little help from her gay best friend, Plantagenet Smith.

Only 99c at Amazon stores world wide in June. 

Ghostwriters in the Sky, Sherwood, Ltd. and The Best Revenge in one convenient boxed set.

Ghostwriters In The Sky: When a young writer is found dead in her gay best friend's bed at a writer's conference in California wine country, Camilla must enlist the help of a cross-dressing dominatrix to clear Plant's name. Unfortunately, she suspects the hot LA cop who has stolen her heart may be the murderer.

In Sherwood Ltd. a homeless Camilla lands in Robin Hood country, where some not-so-merry men may be trying to kill her, and of course Camilla once again ends up in the most improbable, but always believable, circumstances.

The Best Revenge is a prequel to the series, and takes us back to Camilla Randall's teen years, when she first meets Plantagenet Smith—and is accused of murder herself!

Get the Boxed set at:
all the Amazons, Kobo, iTunes, Smashwords, Google Play, NOOK,  and Scribd. 

You Lost me at Hello: Ask the Manners Doctor

The Problem with the Naked "Hello"

The Manners Doctor, aka Camilla Randall, author of "Good Manners for Bad Times" and "Rx for the Modern Wedding", has agreed to visit this blog once a month to answer some of our questions about online etiquette.

Q. Dear Manners Doctor:

I never know how to respond when some man friends me on Facebook or Instagram and immediately sends a direct message that simply says “Hello”—nothing else.

I used to just ignore these naked “hellos” because they seem creepy, but recently, a man on Instagram called me rude for not responding.

So the next time I got a hello on FB, I asked the man to interact on my page before he sent me a direct message, which I like to reserve for friends and family. He got so mad he sent me eggplant emojis all night long, interspersed with messages like “Goodnight Sweetie” and “Bye-bye Baby.”

I finally got up and blocked him at 4 AM, but when I told my FB friends about it, one woman said I should unblock because it wasn’t his fault. He probably didn’t know how to use his phone and did it all accidentally.

Can the Manners Doctor tell me what I’m doing wrong? Do I owe it to strange men to interact with them on social media?

Divorced but Not Lonely

A. Dear Not Lonely:

No man (or woman) has the right to sexually harass you, online or off.  Facebook and Instagram are not dating sites. The Manners Doctor is quite sure that anyone who is unaware of that fact has either been in a coma for the last twenty years or recently arrived from a galaxy far, far away.

And she doubts that comatose space aliens would know the off-color meaning of the eggplant emoji.

What you call a “naked hello” is the calling card of the scammer.  It is intrinsically manipulative. The speaker offers nothing, but demands something of the recipient. Con artists always count on the good manners of their marks. 

Sometimes what seems “rude” in normal circumstances is simple self-preservation when dealing with a con artists.   

You were doing exactly the right thing. The person who called you rude was in the wrong. If anybody sends you a “naked hello” (The Manners Doctor is going to appropriate your excellent phrase) do not respond. Then block the sender.

Very Truly Yours, 

The Manners Doctor

Q. Dear Manners Doctor:

A friend I hadn’t heard from in several years—I’ll call her Sheila—recently sent me a Direct Message on Facebook that simply said “hello.” I was thrilled. We hadn’t parted on good terms, but I figured she wanted to let bygones be bygones and make up.

Because the situation was delicate, instead of sending a reply message, I phoned her.

I was devastated when her husband answered and said Sheila died two months ago. He said I was horribly rude to intrude on his grief when I hadn’t even bothered to show up at the funeral.

Doctor, how can I be called “rude” when I didn’t know anything about the funeral? There was nothing about it on her Facebook page, which hadn’t been updated for nearly five years. 

And I still don’t know why I got that “hello” message from Sheila from beyond the grave.

Getting Messages from the Other Side

A. Dear Getting Messages:

The Manners Doctor makes it a point never to criticize anyone’s belief system, but she is quite sure that what you experienced was not a message from the “Other Side.”

One of the most common scams in social media is a “hack” that doesn’t require hacker skills. The scammer simply goes to a Facebook page (they prefer neglected ones like Sheila’s) and skims the person’s friends list. Then they send messages (usually an unadorned “hello”) hoping to get a reply. 

Once they’ve convinced the mark that they’re really the friend they’re impersonating, they spin a tale of woe and hit the mark up for a "loan".

This must work on some victims, because these scams are proliferating.

The Manners Doctor advises that no one respond to a naked “hello,” even when it appears to be from a friend.

Very Truly Yours, 

The Manners Doctor.

Do you have any questions for the Manners Doctor? How do you feel about the "naked hello"?

Book of the Month

Start at the Beginning of the Manners Doctor Saga--Only 99c!

GHOSTWRITERS IN THE SKY:  Camilla Randall Mystery #1 

After her celebrity ex-husband’s ironic joke about her “kinky sex habits” is misquoted in a tabloid, New York etiquette columnist Camilla Randall’s life unravels in bad late night TV jokes.

Nearly broke and down to her last Hermes scarf, she accepts an invitation to a Z-list Writers’ Conference in the wine-and-cowboy town of Santa Ynez, California, where, unfortunately, a cross-dressing dominatrix named Marva plies her trade by impersonating Camilla.

When a ghostwriter’s plot to blackmail celebrities with faked evidence leads to murder, Camilla must team up with Marva to stop the killer from striking again.

Ghostwriters in the Sky is available in e-book at all the Amazons  GooglePlay  Kobo, Scribd and NOOK.

It is available in paper at Amazon & Barnes and Noble 

The Worst Thanksgiving Ever...And Can a Romantic Heroine Stay Happily Single?

Is this the only path to happiness? 

Some of my readers have been discussing whether Camilla should “end up” with one of her string of charming, but unsuitable boyfriends. Her marriage to newsman Jonathan Kahn ended in disaster, and she hasn’t made any terribly good decisions about romantic partners since.

At the end of each book, Camilla has a nice “happy for now” ending, but readers don’t really expect the romance to last.

My tagline for the series has always been “Murder, Mayhem, and Mr. Wrong.”

Personally I don’t feel she can settle down with a Mr. Right unless the series is ending. I think of all the TV shows that faded away once the main characters consummated the relationship. Moonlighting, Dexter, and Castle come to mind.

Finding Happiness

So does a woman really have to be tethered to a man in order to have a “Happy Ever After” life in contemporary fiction?

Recently I visited a hairdresser who talked about a widow friend

who she felt was still attractive enough “to find happiness.”

Find happiness. That phrase had me seeing red, although I didn’t say anything.

I’m single. I’ve been single most of my life, and I’m not actively looking for an old man to take care of in my “golden years”—does that mean I’m not happy?

It doesn’t feel that way. I’m free to do whatever I want whenever I want to do it. If I feel like hopping on a plane to have an adventure, I can. If I want to hole up for six months and grind out a book, I can do that too.

I live in a lovely little house by the sea in a quiet neighborhood full of wonderful friends. My own personal writing retreat.

Like Camilla with her cottage and bookstore.

So can’t she have a happy life with a series of boyfriends instead of just one?

Holidays Are Tough for Singles...but You're Wrong About Why

Unfortunately, some people still believe “single” is a synonym for "needy" and “unwanted.”

As we get hurtled into “The Holidaze,” we approach a time that’s precarious for us singles. No, not because we’re all sitting alone and in despair because we’re not cooking a turkey dinner for twenty-five or fighting with a spouse about which set of in-laws to visit for Christmas.

Not going to a holiday party can be fun, too

But this is the season when married people trot out their pity for the “poor, sad, lonely” single people. 

They invite us to tension-filled family dinners with the MAGA parents and non-binary teenagers and the untrained puppy who tries to take your leg to the prom...so we don’t “have to be alone.”

Sometimes they try to fix us up. They invite two single persons of opposite genders to the tension-filled family dinner and expect romantic sparks to fly. The sparks are almost always a no-show. Instead, awkwardness ensues.

For me, the best holiday celebrations are big neighborhood parties where everybody brings a dish and there are kids and dogs and everybody’s having a good time no matter what their living arrangements.

And if I don’t happen to get invited anywhere, I can still have a wonderful holiday. 

One Thanksgiving, when the weather was more suited for the beach than roasting large birds, I made a turkey sandwich (with cranberries—had to have cranberries) and took a book to the beach. What a great day! (Even though a seagull tried to take half my sandwich.)

The Worst Thanksgiving Dinner Ever

Worse than having dinner with these guys.

But I have had some bad ones. The worst holiday I ever spent was the Thanksgiving when a married acquaintance insisted I come to her house for her very special turkey dinner. I had two other invitations, but I turned them down because this woman was so insistent.

I got all gussied up and brought a pricey bottle of wine because I assumed it was going to be a fancy do. 

But when I arrived, the woman ushered me into her astonishingly messy kitchen, and pointed at the cold, half eaten turkey on the table and told me to help myself. But I wasn’t to eat any stuffing or cranberries or dessert, she said, because those were “for the family.” Slowly I realized that her family had already eaten and I’d been invited to pick over the unwanted leftovers.  

Even though we were the same age and the same social class, both homeowners who were gainfully employed, she saw me as some pathetic stray she was generously allowing to eat her scraps.

All because I’m single.

As if this were 1890 and women had to be the property of a man in order to have food and a roof over their heads.

I learned something there. Like never accept an iffy holiday invite when you could be at the beach with a good book and an attentive seagull. 

Why I Prefer Happy for Now

The truth is that being single in a society where women are allowed to earn their own keep is a pretty nice life. 

We are only unhappy when ignorant people put us in awkward positions.

Which takes me back to Camilla. Camilla was raised to be uselessly rich, so she’s not terribly good at earning a living. But she has never expected a man to keep her. 

And she’s not desperate for love. Love appears, usually in the form of a complicated and peripatetic man. She resists, succumbs, resists again, then falls happily into his arms. For now.

Which is why I think “happy for now” is the best goal for her series.

What about you? Are you single and happy? Do you think marriage is the only path to happiness? What's the worst Thanksgiving experience you ever had?

No Place Like Home: Camilla Randall Comedy-Mystery #4

(But it can be read as a stand-alone)

Wealthy Doria Windsor is suddenly homeless and accused of a murder she didn't commit. But Camilla, with the help of a brave trio of homeless people, the adorable Mr. X, and a little dog named Toto, is determined to unmask the real killer and discover the dark secrets of Doria’s deceased “financial wizard” husband before Doria is killed herself.

"A warp-speed, lighthearted comedy-mystery"...Abigail Padgett

"A fun, charming novel about the rich and less so" ...Karen Doering

"A cross of dry British humor and American wackiness, and it all adds up to a fun read." ...Deborah Bayles.

"It's comedy about a dark topic – homelessness – and it succeeds without ever descending into tasteless insensitivity, or tipping over into sentimentality."...Lucinda Elliot

Available at all the Amazons and NOOK,  Page Foundry, Kobo and iTunes It's also available in paperback from Amazon US, Amazon UK, and Barnes and Noble, in regular and LARGE PRINT. LARGE PRINT is also available at Barnes and Noble.

And NO PLACE LIKE HOME IS ALSO  AN AUDIOBOOK!!

Narrated by award-winner C. S. Perryess and Anne R. Allen (as Camilla)

Nearly 8 hours of hilarious entertainment!Only $1.99 if you buy the Kindle ebook

Available at Audible  and iTunes

Googling Old Boyfriends is Here!

The Seventh Camilla Randall Mystery is out in ebook. The paperback will launch in January. It's a stand-alone, so you can start with this one even if you haven't read the others.

We all do it, don’t we? We start thinking about “the old days” and wonder “what ever happened to…?”

So we start Googling our former significant others.

Somehow it’s kind of embarrassing to let people know. Maybe because it feels a little stalkerish.  But it’s so fascinating to find out how people’s lives are turning out.

• “OMG, here’s his wedding announcement—to a man! Well, that explains a few things.”
• “He became a stockbroker? That hippie?”
• “Three arrests for DUI? I always wondered why his breath always smelled of Listerine and Altoids…”
• “He’s still single? Hmmm…”

Then there are the tragic ones. The searches that bring up obituaries. And arrests.

One of my high school friends had died in Vietnam. Another had drowned in an ice fishing accident.

The saddest was the arrest report of one of my elementary school crushes…for possession of child pornography.

Light bulbs went off in my head. He had that awful “uncle” he always had to spend time with but hated. The older brother who used such filthy language he was regularly thrown off the school bus.

They had been strikingly beautiful boys, blond Italians. What horrors had my little friend been going through while I was carving his name in my wooden desk top, and chased after him at the skating rink when he’d stolen my hat? Who knows—the images he was arrested for may have been photos of himself. 

When you get older, the obituaries come up more and more.

Last year, after I’d had my third search in a row come up with an obituary—the idea for a novel popped into my head:

What if a recent divorcee started Googling her old boyfriends and…every one of them turned up dead?

Then all I had to do was introduce the divorcee to Camilla Randall, my oh-so-polite sleuth who’s a magnet for murder, mayhem, and Mr. Wrong… and there was the story.  

GOOGLING OLD BOYFRIENDS

I didn’t bring in the tragic real-life stuff when I wrote this one. That wouldn’t work in a Camilla book. Maybe I’ll do a serious piece on the subject sometime in the future.

Here’s an excerpt from the opening chapter.

“Okay, ’fess up.” Mickie McCormack’s eyes twinkled as she plunked a book on the counter. “If you’re that distracted by the Internet you’re either looking at porn or you’re Googling old boyfriends.”

I felt my cheeks heat up.

“Um, I’m guilty of the latter, I’m afraid. I’ve just run into an old boyfriend and he’s invited me to dinner, but…”

The bell on the door jingled.

There he was. Captain Maverick Jesus Zukowski, six foot, three inches of tall, dark, and the-one-who-got-away.

 The Camilla Randall Mysteries: 

A laugh-out-loud mashup of crime fiction, romantic comedy, and satire. Morro Bay bookshop owner Camilla Randall is a magnet for murder, mayhem, and Mr. Wrong. But she always defeats the bad guys in her quirky, but oh-so-polite way.

In this stand-alone 7^th book in the series, Camilla befriends socialite Mickie McCormack—a sexy, mysterious older woman who’s going through a painful divorce. Mickie has been Googling her old boyfriends to reconnect and “remember who she used to be.”

Unfortunately every one of those boyfriends soon ends up dead.

Is the serial killer Camilla’s old boyfriend Dr. Bob? Or one of Mickie’s old boyfriends? And can Camilla’s old boyfriend Captain Rick protect her and her cat Buckingham from being fed to the sharks before she solves the mystery?

***

What about you? Have you Googled former lovers and significant others? Were any of the results tragic? Funny? 

A comment will enter you into a contest to win a copy of the ebook for Kindle or other ereading device. I'll announce the winner in two weeks, on January 11th.

Happy 2019, everybody!

Ta-DA!! The winner of the contest is Chick Lit Shop, aka Mary Smith! Thanks for entering, everybody!  

Potassium Chloride: Poisoning People for Fun and Profit—Part 38.

Potassium Chloride (KCl) is commonly known as a dietary supplement. It’s one of those “electrolytes” you’re always hearing about. You can find it in your Gatorade.

KCl occurs naturally in the mineral Sylvite

It is most widely used in fertilizer (called potash). It’s also used in animal feed, glassmaking, medicines, and foods like the “Mrs. Dash” line of seasonings. It has the appearance and taste of table salt (sodium chloride NaCl.)

But it can also kill. In large doses, it causes cardiac arrest. Some states in the U.S. use it as the third drug in the "three drug cocktail" for execution by lethal injection.

It occurs naturally as the mineral sylvite and in combination with sodium chloride as sylvinite.

Potassium Chloride as a Dietary Supplement.

Potassium is necessary for the normal function of our hearts, muscles, kidneys, nerves, and digestive systems. Most people get enough potassium if they eat a healthy diet.

salt-free seasoning uses KCl

But a number of things can deplete potassium, which is water soluble. Diuretics, high blood pressure medications like Lasix, kidney disease, diabetes, gastrointestinal diseases, and a number of other medical issues can create the need for a potassium supplement.

Unfortunately, some people think that because it’s a supplement sold over the counter, it must be harmless. But as with many supplements, it can be dangerous—even lethal—at high doses. Pregnant women are advised not to take potassium.

Potassium Chloride Overdose

An excess of potassium in the blood is called hyperkalemia. A dose that’s not high enough to kill outright can cause kidney failure. Even a mild overdose of can cause distress. Here are some signs of an overdose:

• Slow or irregular heartbeat 
• Seizures 
• Shallow breathing 
• Mental confusion 
• Lightheadedness or feeling you are about to faint 
• Leg and arm weakness 
• Tingling, prickling, or burning sensation in extremities 
• Stomach pain 
• Lethargy 
• Cold, pale skin 

Death by Potassium Chloride (Hyperkalemia)

Hyperkalemia caused by disease or oral ingestion first triggers kidney failure in patients and after that, death can be very quick, even in otherwise healthy patients.

But when KCl is injected, it goes right to the heart and usually kills within 10 minutes.

It’s the ability to kill rapidly that has made KCl one of the ingredients used in some parts of the U.S. for execution by lethal injection. It causes cardiac arrest after the first two drugs have been injected to decrease pain and cause paralysis. Many people consider this method of execution to be inhumane, and other methods are being introduced.

But death from oral potassium overdose is rare. A number of treatments can stop the effects before they kill if the victim gets to the hospital quickly. Unfortunately, the patient’s system may be compromised and they may die several weeks later.

But there are cases of death from oral ingestion of KCl. In the US in the 1970s, A 32-year-old woman became hypokalemic from taking potassium supplements with her liquid protein diet (a big fad in the mid-20th century, starting with the Metrecal craze of the 1960s.)

This woman had been told that if she felt weak from the diet, all she needed was to take a potassium pill. Thinking they were harmless, and feeling weak from starvation, she kept popping the pills. She first developed diarrhea, and was told to stop taking the potassium. But it was too late. She was found dead the next day. An autopsy showed that she had taken 47 tablets of potassium chloride.

So, swallowing 47 tablets of KCl can kill, apparently. But if you’re writing a mystery where KCl is the murder weapon, injection would be the surest method for your killer.

What about you? Have you heard any stories of potassium chloride used as a murder weapon? 

Coming in December! Googling Old Boyfriends: Camilla Randall Mystery #7

“Okay, ’fess up.” Mickie McCormack’s eyes twinkled as she plunked a book on the counter. “If you’re that distracted by the Internet you’re either looking at porn or you’re Googling old boyfriends.”

I felt my cheeks heat up.

“Um, I’m guilty of the latter, I’m afraid. I’ve just run into an old boyfriend and he’s invited me to dinner, but…”

The bell on the door jingled.

There he was. Captain Maverick Jesus Zukowski, six foot, three inches of tall, dark, and the-one-who-got-away.

The Camilla Randall mysteries are a laugh-out-loud mashup of crime fiction, rom-com, and satire. Morro Bay bookshop owner Camilla Randall is a magnet for murder, mayhem, and Mr. Wrong. But she always solves the case in her quirky, but oh-so-polite way.

In this stand-alone episode, Camilla befriends socialite Mickie McCormack — a sexy, mysterious older woman who’s going through a painful divorce. Mickie has been Googling her old boyfriends to reconnect and “remember who she used to be.”

Unfortunately every one of those boyfriends soon ends up dead.

Is the serial killer Camilla’s old boyfriend Dr. Bob? Or one of Mickie’s old boyfriends? And can Camilla’s old boyfriend Captain Rick protect her and her cat Buckingham from being fed to the sharks before she solves the mystery?

Here's a list of all the poisons in this series

Part 1: Digitalis

Part 2: Wolfsbane

Part 3: Hemlock

Part 4: Poison Dart Frogs

Part 5: Arsenic

Part 6: Oleander

Part 7: Cyanide

Part 8: Belladonna

Part 9: Botulism

Part 10: Castor Beans

Part 11: White Snakeroot

Part 12: Strychnine

Part 13: Datura

Part 14: Mandrake

Part 15: Seafood Poisoning

Part 16: Antifreeze

Part 17: Visine

Part 18: Polonium

Part 19: Rosary Pea

Part 20: Thallium

Part 21: Henbane

Part 22: Halloween Candy

Part 23: Poison Rings

Part 24: Daffodils

Part 25: Yew
Part 26: Toxic Relationships

Part 27: Warfarin

Part 28: Mustard Gas

Part 29: Antimony

Part 30: Lead

Part 31: Opium Poppy

Part 32: Mercury

Part 33: Nerve Agents

Part 34: Gelsemium 

Part 35: Carbon Monoxide

Part 36: Sleeping Pills
Part 37: Nicotine

~

Dear Abby and The Myth of Poisoned Halloween Candy

Lots of folklore feeds our fears of apples. Snow White got poisoned with one. And Greek legend blames the entire Trojan war on an apple: the "Golden Apple of Discord" thrown at three goddesses by Eris, the goddess of discord. 

But apples have got a bad rap. And it's unlikely you'll ever find one hiding a razor blade or a sewing needle, in spite of all the horror stories your mom told you when you went out trick-or-treating. 

There are lots of things to be afraid of on Halloween. Your kid getting hit by a car while dressed in black as a ninja, a witch, or Severus Snape. Or somebody kidnapping your black kitty and doing him harm. Or somebody eating too much candy and throwing up on the newly shampooed carpet. 

But poisoned candy isn't one of them.  

All of that is bogus fear-mongering. A lot of the fear was mongered by the advice columnist siblings Dear Abby and Ann Landers. 

Dear Abby and Ann Landers Spread the Panic

According to Smithsonian magazine, on October 31, 1983, advice columnist "Dear Abby" (the late Abigail Van Buren) published a column called "A Night of Treats, not Tricks." In that column, she warned her readers that, on Halloween, "somebody’s child will become violently ill or die after eating poisoned candy or an apple containing a razor blade."

No child has been poisoned by a stranger's Halloween candy

Twelve years later, Dear Abby's sister, advice columnist Ann Landers, also wrote a Halloween article in which she warned that "Twisted minds make Halloween a dangerous time," echoing that concern. She said, "In recent years, there have been reports of people with twisted minds putting razor blades and poison in taffy apples and Halloween candy." She even stated flatly: "It is no longer safe to let your child eat treats that come from strangers." This made life difficult for candy companies all over the U.S.

And it turns out these "reports" were entirely bogus. 

Every so often something happens that stirs up the stories again. 

Abby may be forgiven for falling for the drama in 1983. The 1982 Tylenol poisonings that killed seven people were fresh in everybody's minds. So the idea of a crazed madman who wanted to kill random strangers was not far-fetched. It was easy to merge them with the myths that were already out there about crazed child murderers handing out tainted "treats" to the trick-or-treaters.

Some Poisonings That Didn't Happen

Here are some of the incidents that keep the myths alive, as reported by Snopes. 

In 1970, a boy went into a coma from a heroin overdose and heroin was found sprinkled on his Halloween candy.  It turned out he had got into his uncle's heroin stash and his family had sprinkled the heroin on the candy after the fact to protect the uncle.

In 1982 the police in Detroit announced a boy had been poisoned by cyanide in Halloween candy. But medical tests were inconclusive and later FDA tests of the candy turned up no contamination whatsoever. 

In 1990, a 7-year-old Santa Monica girl died of congenital heart failure while trick-or-treating. The police feared a mass random poisoning sent out an alert. Unfortunately the later retraction didn't travel anywhere near as far or wide as the initial false alarm. 

The Halloween Poisoning Sleuth, Dr. Joel Best

For decades, Joel Best a sociologist at the University of Delaware conducted a study of these stories. His findings: He never found a confirmed case of a stranger murdering a child with poisoned Halloween candy.

He did find one case of a father who murdered his own son with poisoned Halloween candy.

This was awful, but it was a one-off act of targeted murder.

In 1974, a sociopath named Ronald Clark O'Bryan took out a large life insurance policy on his 8 year old son Timothy a few days before Halloween. On Halloween, he put some cyanide into Timmy's Pixy Stix and got him to eat it before going to bed. He also poisoned some Pixy Stix he gave out to local trick or treaters, so it would look as if his son's murder was part of a random attack on local children.

Luckily none of the other children ate the candy, partly because of quick reaction from local police, and partly because Mr. Clark had resealed the Pixy Stix with staples that were too hard for a child to open.

Mr. Clark was executed in 1984, and maybe stories of his horrible deeds also sparked the rumors that prompted Dear Abby's misguided column.

Dr. Joel Best has tried hard over the years to destroy the poisoned Halloween candy myth, but he hasn't had much luck. "It's the old problem of trying to prove a negative," he says.

He says his favorite story is the one about the kid who brought a half-eaten candy bar to his parents and said, "I think there's ant poison on this." They had it checked and, sure enough, there was ant poison on it—significantly, on the end he hadn't bitten.

It later turned out the kid had put the ant poison on the candy himself. 

What about those Stories of Razor Blades and Pins in Apples?

These seem to be more of the same.

According to author Jack Santino, who's written a number of books on the history and folklore behind Halloween, "pins and needles" (and razor blade) rumors began to supplant "poisoned candy" rumors in the mid-1960s, and nearly the reports turned out to be hoaxes: 

He said, "more than 75 percent of reported cases involved no injury, and detailed followups…concluded that virtually all the reports were hoaxes concocted by the children or parents. Thus this legend type seems to have grown out of a tradition of ostensive hoaxes relying on an understood oral tradition, rather than on any core of authenticated incidents."

So poisoned candy is very much the stuff of fiction, but it has only the most tenuous attachment to fact. As writers, we'd do better to to write about poisoned chocolate Easter bunnies or Christmas candy canes and at least be creative about it.

What about you, readers? Did you believe these stories when you were a kid? Did your parents? Did your parents ban trick or treating because they were so afraid of mad poisoners? 

The first book in the Camilla comedy-mystery series is  99c

at iTunes,  Kobo, Inktera, Scribd , NOOK.

and all the Amazons internationally

Also available at Google Play,

GHOSTWRITERS IN THE SKY 

It's available in paper at Amazon & Barnes and Noble 

A wild comic romp set at writers’ conference in the wine-and-cowboy town of Santa Ynez, California. When a ghostwriter's plot to blackmail celebrities with faked evidence leads to murder, Camilla must team up with a crossdressing dominatrix to stop the killer—who may be a ghost—from striking again. Meanwhile, a hot LA cop named Maverick Jesus Zukowski just may steal her heart.

It's also available in Spanish on Amazon